Penetrating Danica

I swear I had nothing against Danica Patrick until she started to overtly market herself as a sex object.

As a driver per se, I, like the IRL machine, think she has a definite appeal. She can really drive. She's pretty good looking, esp for an Indy driver. And her competition on the stage, with their often-European condescencing ways, leaves plenty of room for a chick who gives no quarter and is easy on the eyes.

Except she's completely blowing it. While no Anna Kournikova, she is seriously overselling the hot chick side of her package, while the serious side sort of goes waning. She's good enough to compete. While she can't seem to consistently crack the boys club in the top 5, she's a legit competitor.

Her face to face interviews conjure a robot -- she is flat, revealing the comments of a scientist, almost as if she were drugged -- no personality, no real flair. But she is at her peak of sexiness sitting in the cockpit as it were, with a helmet on and her mouth shut. Her sexiest moment is pulling the helmet off at the end of the race and letting the brunette hair fly.

But like most female athletes, slathering men may tend to guard their fantasies, having suffered the shattering intrusion of lesbianism all too often. Lesbians are hot, until they really get serious. I always harbored suspicions that Danica might be gay, or at least conflicted, because of the seriously unsexy vibe I seemed to be catching from her, apparently at odds with the rest of the racing world, based on the commercials. For the record, she is married, to no one famous, and has no children.


Recently, tho, she starts popping up in new commercials, threatening to finally pull the top off or take another gratuitous shower -- just tune into the website to find out. Well, I never bothered, mostly because I was already a Go-Daddy customer, and because nothing would make me feel worse than going to the Go-Daddy site in search of topless Danica video, and after fending off sell after sell, be treated to a non-topless, petulant, incredibly unsexy variant. She looked so uncomfortable, and made any voyuering even that much more shameful.

And so now the big change in the selling of Danica. Her newest Go-Daddy commercials have her pulled over by a hot blonde cop on a motorcycle. Danica is her Go-Daddy hero and she thinks she has the stuff. While Danica squeams uncomfortably in the car, the blonde cop tosses her cap and rips open her shirt and looks to be on the verge of a major raping of Danica. Danica is taken aback, but the commercial cuts before we get to the multiple orgasms and thigh-sized dildos that surely ensued. Of course, once again, we are directed to the website for more cross-sells and teasing, but once again, I am managing to hold my ground and not look. I fear that if I ever see Danica topless, I will have to castrate myself.

She has a much funnier motorola commercial where her pit crew is all in short skirts and heels. Much better and the angle she should be pushing, rather than this confusing tilt: